Conventional real estate marketing is dead. No one is happier about that than I am.

There is no place for tired old tropes like, it’s always time to buy.  (My mom was a realtor. That slogan appeared under a big clock on a sign outside her storefront office.)

A new era is afoot, evidenced by this chick named Breanna Banaciski. She is a 30-year-old agent in Florida.

She is “Tampa Bre” on TikTok.  If you’re not on TikTok, her content alone is a good reason to join.  Her posts (mostly home tours) are irreverent, even raunchy standup routines.

 

 

 

 

Here are lines from a few recent posts, edited only slightly. (This is where NPR would say, “Sensitive listeners may find some of the language offensive.”)

• There’s no garage but let’s be honest. You won’t need one for your 2011 Camry.
• This is where I’d mount my TV so I can watch Girls Gone Wild on repeat.
• This home is 11 minutes away from St. Pete which means it’s probably gonna be waterfront property in 50 years.
• This house has more bush than my mom in the eighties.
• Please share this house with your rich friends. I’m gonna share it with the neckbeards in my DM’s who keep offering money to see pictures of my feet. The joke’s on you bitch. I have athlete’s foot.
• I haven’t seen this much wood since I accidentally walked into the men’s room at Planet Fitness.
• I thought it would be bigger. I’ve said that too many times in my life.
• I have more subs in my comments section than a Jersey Mike’s.
• I haven’t seen an island this big since Jeffrey Epstein.
• This is where you put a dining room table. You decorate it for Christmas and nobody shows up.
• All these refrigerators. Jeffrey Dahmer would have had a field day.

She is relentlessly critical of high home prices.  She makes no pretense of being in the socioeconomic class of her clients.

• This walk-in closet is bigger than my childhood home. Except this has electricity.
• I’m way too poor to be in this house. Seriously, when I was in elementary school they’d have canned food drives and they’d be like, Breanna why haven’t you brought in any cans? I’m like bitch, these are going to my house.
• What do rich people do with a closet this size? This is where they store their tax write-offs.
• Sorry I’m late. I had to get my realtor head shots done. The kind where we all wear beige pants and a white tank top. And I had to get my white BMW serviced.
• So you want to ask a realtor if the housing market is gonna crash. Half of us were used car salesmen before this.
• If I ever end up back on house arrest, this is where I’m moving.
• I know you only wanted a three-bedroom. But if you buy this one, I’ll make more money.
• Realtors on social media just want to show you million-dollar houses that the average American can’t afford. And from one very average American to another, fxxk that sxxt.
• This garage is tall enough to fit your F-150. But not tall enough to fill the void from when your father left.
• Three bedrooms, two baths, $660,000. Hey, you’re the one who over-extended yourself with an F-150 payment.
• This shower is big enough for you to cry in. When you realize all your friends keep you around just in case they ever have to move.
• Your student loans are stopping you from buying a house? Hey I’m not the one who told you to major in hospitality.
• I finally found a porch where you can sip your coffee and ignore your mom’s phone calls. It’s not your fault she brings up the past every time you talk.
• Two DUI’s and suddenly she’s worried.
• This bedroom is where you can accidentally make kids. Because no one’s doing that on purpose, right?

Tampa Bre does impressions, badly, of rich housewives and Italian gangsters moving to Florida.  She pukes on camera and poses as a passed out drunk on the sidewalk.

She tests a home golf simulator, with no great athleticism, with help from her camera man. She jokes about a glory hole in a bathroom wall, and about her own career.

• I should have gone to college and instead I’m filming myself making glory hole jokes.

If you view only one video, make it this one, featuring her Donald Trump impressions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clearly she has no fear of offending people or scaring away potential clients. Yet she has more than 280,000 TikTok followers, which is a ton.

One wonders how many of her viewers routinely hit the block button, never to see her crude posts again.  I suppose I should consider the same question, starting now.

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